Finding the Sparkle
A New Way To Look at Life
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It’s my birthday month. What does that mean you ask? If I had to throw an answer on the wall, I’d say it’s seeking ways to add sparkle to my week. This is not a daily affair. I don’t go out of my way to daily orchestrate special things. I’m not that on top of things. But if there’s a chance, and if I think about it, I’ll choose the sparkle! It’s all in how you see.
I’m aging folks. I’m “over the hill,” as it once was coined. I remember when my Mom turned 40. She didn’t seem that old to me back then, though Mom’s older sister must have thought otherwise. Just before I turned 16, I came home from school and discovered on the kitchen counter my aunt had delivered a cake with a black gravestone candle in the middle of dirt brown icing. It was time to mourn. Half of Mom’s life was over. It’s a good thing we didn’t know then what we know now. (Mom passed away at age 60)
But I’m not here to spin a tale about gloom. I’m here to reveal the sparkle, like when my husband serves me coffee in bed just because. Or when I step outside to walk the dog and return to discover the dinner dishes completed.
When I blog, I work hard to cut against my grain of innate optimism and be honest with my struggles to offer hope. Life is not all bliss. But today, in honor of my sparkle month, I’m going 100% organic. Get ready.
This summer, I’ve been pulling my kids into the kitchen when I remember. Most dinner prep you’ll find me yelling for my 11 or 8-year-old to, Come here! Cut up the broccoli. Or, Follow the recipe on the box and make the Mac & Cheese. It’s been a delight, a sparkle in my day, to have little helping hands work with me on the labor of love dinner truly is. The other day after Gavin finished helping me, he slumped off saying, “And now I’ll go back to doing random boring things.” I laughed hard. Summer can feel that way through the eyes of a kid.
I discovered a local sewing camp at a little church out in the country and signed Gavin up. He has an engineering mind, and I never doubted his ability to complete the projects and maybe, hopefully, have a little fun too. There were two other boys in a sea of girls. He was hesitant right up to when we walked in the door at the church out in the country.
On the second day when I drove to pick him up three deer ran across the road in front of me and a fourth was still figuring out how to get through the wire fence as we braked and drove by.
“Oh, how neat!” I exclaimed, to my mini passengers. We don’t regularly see deer. The next morning, when I dropped Gavin off at the church, there was a large, pink pig with black spots under the tree. One of the other boy campers was tussling it. My animal-loving daughter spied it and jumped out of the van before I stopped completely. It was the funniest thing and I wondered what other animals we’d see next.
Sewing camp ended and we saw no more animals. Gavin said he’d do camp again next year and Cali’s looking forward to joining him since she’ll be old enough. Now we are preoccupied with our pets - three spunky kitties, our two Mama cats, and our dog, Cookie. Some days I wonder if we’ll ever get this canine house trained. They say AusieDoodles are smart, and that might be the case, but good things take time. With our feline pets, we are entertained by kitty and kid cuddles every morning when Cali feeds them.
This summer, Cali’s biggest dream came true. Has she been dreaming since school? Since Cali’s noticed other people’s ears? Her peers? She has been begging to get her ears pierced. There was a count down and finally, the day had arrived. On the big day, I asked her how she felt.
“I feel nervous and terrified!” she squealed, inflating like a balloon.
“It doesn't hurt,” I promised. “Only the half a second when they poke your earlobe and then that’s it,” I told her it’s not a continuous pain but more like a shot and that’s it.
She and a friend went together. They picked out the same iridescent studs. Like girls, they chatted and giggled together in that oblivious and happy way that little girls do while we waited. When she sat in the chair, she squeezed the hand of her bestie and braced her body for pain. She was so brave.
“How do you feel?” I asked afterwards expecting squeals of delight and joy through the roof.
“Mom, it still hurts!” she cried. “You lied.”
This dear readers, is the paradox of motherhood. We say one thing and they experience another. I’m only good for moral support and encouragement.
Friendship can be complicated in mid-life for various reasons. Take me for example, I still have this middle school desire to fit in. As a teenager, I looked forward to outgrowing this insecurity, yet here I am, 41, and still nervous. I still wrestle with wondering if I talked too much. I still wonder if people like me. I’m still a real nut case.
As I munched on peanuts and sipped my cocktail on a rooftop bar, while the sunset by the Magnolia Silos and the night air cooled, the ladies around my table and I, shared our highs and lows. We listened and cared as women do. The night out was enjoyable yet, I walked away doubting my worth at the table.
Aging lends us wisdom from experience. As we age, we have the opportunity to grow in trusting ourselves, trusting that God made us worthy of belonging. Insecurities can flair in social settings but what do you do with that?
On the drive home, as the evening looped on replay in my mind, I paused the tape. Here, I thought is a great chance to practice self-compassion. Being gentle with ourselves is never wasted. Age extends perception, knocking on the doors of our hearts. Nobody can befriend you like you. God fashioned you with sheer delight. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your heart is hungry for God’s (sparkly) truth. Forgive what needs forgiving and welcome grace upon grace.
Two different friends shared how God sent reminders of his love. One said she used to see deer on her morning runs and she hadn’t seen any in a while. Whispering a prayer she told God it would be neat to see deer again. And then, voila! Just like that, she saw a couple of deer! It was like God was saying, Here, this is just for you because I love you.
Another friend was driving down the interstate on her mother’s birthday who had recently passed away. Missing her Mama and feeling lonesome in her grievous thoughts, she suddenly noticed a heart-shaped cloud in the sky. Through tears, she said, It was like God was smiling at me.
He sees us.
I was moved by their stories. Feeling overlooked, I, too, prayed, ‘God, I would love to see a sign that you see me, you’re holding my life together...’
Crickets.
In my eagerness for God to move on my whim, I expected a fox to suddenly scurry across my backyard. I expected a whisper in my ear or a flower brought in from Miles.
God’s track record hasn’t been to jump when I speak. I was set up for disappointment. But as I looked back over my past few weeks, I saw the sparkly gifts God had sent.
In my children’s honesty,
In the deer and pot-belly pig.
In togetherness with others on summer nights
Holding hands while getting ears pierced.
And, the gift of age and befriending my insecurities.
God sends us sparkles. Do you see them?
Learning to see it all with you,
-the dancer
I have no favorite things to list right now because it’s summer and #momlife. But please follow my Instagram for more sparkles in my stories!
What summer things are adding an extra sparkle to your days? Leave a comment. I’d love to be excited with you!
Lovely blog! Thanks for it.